There are many aspects of my life that people are always asking me about. Believe it or not, I have been through a lot. I am sure there are many that have experienced much more than I have. Through my pain I have gained knowledge and willingly share my testimony.
When contemplating Mother's Day this year, it is with a lot of pain and trepidation. It's been seven months since my son passed and just the thought of facing this day (last weekend and all week) has been hard. There are no time constraints or limits for grieving and it hits me sometimes out of nowhere. When I am around others is the most challenging because I never feel that I can show vulnerable emotions, such as crying. Attempting to control the emotions within this grieving can be like swallowing a glass full of nails at times; only leaving me feeling more drained. Either way, I haven't been looking forward to this Sunday. Through out the year there have been challenges, many holidays I managed to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas (thanks to my support around me). My birthday was very challenging, which surprised me. I finally figured out it was because Kaleb has always been with me on my birthdays and I remembered all the times we spent together. And now, this Sunday is Mother's Day, last weekend when this revelation hit, it was like a brick wall collapsed on my chest. Instantly I was upset and just had the mental picture of being at Kaleb's grave site no. This Mother's Day my son is in heaven. He never could verbally say "I love you Mommy", he might not have been able to put his arms around me to give hugs either, but his smiles were confirmation of his love. So this Mother's Day I will remember those smiles.
telling myself "Happy Mother's Day". I've read various things about how there are no terms for a parent that has lost a child; simply because words cannot begin to form or describe within the spectrum of the loss. Then there is the question of whether or not I would still be considered a mother. This was quickly resolved; yes. I will always be a mother. When worrying about facing this weekend my mother suggested that I should be happy and celebrate my son. However, I have found that most suggestions are easier said than done. The best advice is just to take one day at a time. It's o.k. to say "today's a rough day" and you don't have to explain yourself. I've always been an open book, so if someone asked me something (no matter how personal) I would answer them. I figured I don't have anything to hide. I still would like to consider myself that open-book, however with maturity I know that I have the right to say no.
Contemplating the day we celebrate mothers, I had a slight epiphany: Which I'm sure it is addressed in sermons, however it is a great distraction for me to consider Jesus' mother and how we should all celebrate the mother of our salvation - right? Today, hearing about a young woman having a child out of wedlock is nothing, but back in Mary's day it was considered a high offense. She had full faith in God that he would see her through what He was bestowing upon her. I like to consider this the soul of the mother (and you don't have to have given 'birth' to be considered a mother). The soul of the mother is that unconditional Godly love, the sacrifice of yourself for another soul. Mary knew she would would be chastised for becoming pregnant out of wedlock (it was a capitol offense). She remained faithful to God and He saw her through it. I often have thought about how she must have suffered as a mother, knowing her son was going to face great opposition; still she remained faithful upon the Lord. How horrid it must have been for her to watch her first born be crucified before her; still she remained faithful upon the Lord. To me, she faced so much and clung to her faith and He was with her. Never doubt the possibilities of a mother!!