CHALLENGE ACCEPTED #2

September is the second month for my NO MEN FOR A YEAR challenge. This is very personal and I'm only sharing my opinions, beliefs, and experiences so that other girls, ladies, and women can learn from my mistakes in the past and together learn to love ourselves first. Part of my contract is that I journal every day and in doing so, I use writing prompts and so forth to help me to better understand my mistakes and to learn from them instead of repeat them. Let me know what you think or if you have experienced a similar situation, sharing is caring! I'd love to hear your testimonies as well, we can all learn from each other.

~ HERE WE GO ~

September 4^th, 2014

Writing Prompt: Be Determined and Believe in Yourself

“Remember that old adage, ‘every long journey starts with a single step’. You may be depressed or unhappy being the person that you are. But if you are truly determined, you can change every single thing you hate about yourself from today itself. If you really want to know how to love yourself, be determined and focus on starting to make little positive changes every day. It could be issues related to your work, health, or even your own personal dreams. Whatever they may be, be determined and pursue them with all your heart. By doing this, you’ll respect and love yourself a lot more.” (©Lovepanky.com, 2014)

This has been an exceptionally hard year. After losing so much, break-ups and the loss of my son, I needed time to heal before I could even contemplate working on the future. It’s nearly been a year since my son has passed and I know at some point I have to emerge from under this dark rock and move forward; I’m the only one that can do this for myself. I think this is a great realization; in the past I have always done things for everyone else, not taking me into consideration. I stopped smoking for my son, I lost weight to gain a relationship, I buried my pain in order to have a job etc. Now is the time to begin a healthy change. I can only do this for myself.

After my son passed, as much as I have craved to start smoking again at times, I have been able to push past those desires. Now, I need to use this determination and focus in other aspects of my life. I think next month I will work on starting a healthy weight loss program. I have been working on my writing and setting goals for the year. I also know a crucial part of getting back on my feet is obtaining a job. I think I’ve made great progress in this aspect of my life. Previously I would have sought a job with my past employers. I think this would have been a step backward. In that field, while I do feel accomplished and utilizing gifts, you are way underpaid. This will feed the beast of negativity, by accepting this I am telling myself that I am not worth being paid more money.

So, I’m changing course (plus, my friend stated that if I went back into the special education field she would beat me, she knows I’m worth more), I am seeking a new career all together. It is taking me longer to gain employment this way, plus because of my physical restraints currently. The goal is also to gain heath insurance and benefits so that I can also take care of myself physically, which will also help mentally and overall.

September 5^th, 2014

Writing Prompt: Focus on Your Appearance and Posture

“Appearances may be shallow but, unfortunately it’s the shallow things like clothes, money and weight issues that make us feel worse and hate ourselves even though we may possess a lot of good stuff that’s hidden from the view of others. Spend time to understand your physique and pick clothes up that look good on you. Get a great haircut, buy well fitting clothes and dress like a million bucks. You won’t believe how much of a positive boost just good clothes and a great posture can give anyone. After all, when you look good and are complimented by someone else, you’d feel a lot better about yourself, would you?” (©Lovepanky.com, 2014)

I’ve never been one to take compliments well. Growing up I cringed and even today I still have a hard time accepting them; I have learned to say “thank you” and then pray that they start talking about something else. Why? I don’t want the spotlight on me because to myself I am not worth the spotlight. Ever since I was young I’ve never thought of myself as beautiful or worthy of such praises. Rather, I feared others reactions because when I was growing up if you were heavier you were considered ugly and unwanted. Now that I am 37 I look back at pictures when I was 24, when I did receive compliments on my beauty, and realize that I was beautiful. This depresses me though, because I feel that I can never reclaim that younger beauty, I’m not that same person.

As well, growing up I was astutely aware of the dangers of some compliments. Meaning, that not all compliments were made in truth, girls can be catty, vindictive and plain mean. Someone might compliment you and then turn around and say something negative. This is why I don’t particularly light going out anymore either. To me it is something I’ve endured in the past and don’t care to suffer through anymore. Going out has always been considered a time for you to put yourself out there and hope to get some attentions from prospects. I’ve watched those around me get the attentions but, not myself. This only feeds into a depression and fuels the delusional thought patterns of not being worth the praise or attentions.

I do agree with the writing prompt that we should look our best and this will help our perception. I know I can further pursue this goal once I obtain a job. Those are some of the first things on my list: get my hair done, manicure and pedicure, get new shoes, new clothes etc. This way I can feel better about myself.

September 6^th, 2014

Writing Prompt: Don’t be too critical of yourself

“Learning to love yourself takes time and initiative. It’s a wonderful feeling to look good, be admired by everyone around you and loved by everyone including yourself. But it does take time. Never be too critical of yourself and expect immediate changes. Give yourself some time, and wait for the good times to roll in. We can assure you that just following these simple tips on how to love yourself can change your life. Just trust these tips and allow the tree of love and confidence to take root and grow into a wonderful beauty, without being critical of the progress.” (©Lovepanky.com, 2014)

As women I think we are programmed to be too critical on ourselves. We compare ourselves to models in magazines, we compare our love lives to those in movies, and we compare ourselves to what we think we should be. What I’ve learned is that comparing yourself to someone else is a ridiculous perspective. We are each unique and different, what would work for one individual, might not work for someone else. When looking through magazines don’t compare yourself to the photoshop models (who have confessed that they don’t even look that good in person) and don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Each of us have experienced an entirely different life, as each of us have completely unique features and characteristics that make us who we are.

I’ve often wondered what it would have been like to have gone through life as an attractive, thin woman. Would I have acquired the romance and love like in the movies? Even movies are fake! Do men even possess such abilities as actually caring for a woman? My delusional thoughts recently have made me ponder this. Would I still be married, would I have experienced a compatible relationship with someone who actually cared about me, if I had been physically altered?

I still battle myself when watching movies, my heart aches when I see the connection and romance between two people. It might be a defense mechanism but, I tell myself that this is not reality and it is certainly never going to happen for me because I am not that actress, I am not thin nor beautiful; so those things I could never have and will never have. Which, when I tell myself this, I am dosing myself with a lethal amount of poison; I’m terrified of trying to give myself any shred of hope just to be let down again.

September 7^th, 2014

Writing Prompt: Never be a pushover

“You can listen to someone else but, never let them dominate you or control your thoughts. Every time you let someone push you over, your confidence takes a beating and you end up hating yourself. If your friends take you for granted or treat you like you’re not important, perhaps it’s time you stopped spending so much time with them. Spend time with people who respect you and want your company, and your ego and the love for yourself will grow.” (©Lovepanky.com, 2014)

A good friend once told me that people will treat you the way that you allow them to. This took a while to sink in and really take hold. Even afterward I ended up in a manipulative relationship. However, I definitely have learned from my mistakes and if it’s one thing I detest is a person that manipulates the goodness of another person. Now, I have no tolerance for such people and hence no reason for them to be in my life.

Again, growing up I was a huge push over. I never wanted to upset anyone because I was afraid that it would affect the way that they perceived and accepted me; I wanted to be accepted. I’ve learned what my limitations are and that in order to respect myself; I can’t let others have such control over me. If they don’t like me then so be it, no sweat off my back.

Being a push over has been repetitive within each of my failed relationships. In my marriage I thought in order to keep my husband happy, I needed to give him as much freedom as he needed. This, ended up giving him too much freedom, to the point he thought he was still a bachelor and he thought he could sleep with whomever he pleased. Another relationship, I was a push over letting a man move into my home, get rid of family antique furniture so that he could replace it with “new” (rented) furniture (that he couldn’t pay for) leaving me in the end without furniture. Usually in relationships I’m too focused on making the other person happy and not taking myself into consideration. Again, I didn’t learn from my previous mistake, as a push over I let another man move into my home (with the agreement that he could help financially) and when he didn’t, instead of confronting this issue, I struggled and tried to do my best; being a complete push over has gotten me nowhere.

Understanding these crucial mistakes, I now know that IF the day comes when the prospects of a relationship are on the horizon, not to jump right into things. Not to let someone push their way into my life. To go at a pace that I am comfortable with, that he must pursue me, and that I am definitely worth it.

Challenge Accepted August Post

Link

·        11 Tips to Fall in Love with Yourself and be a Better YOU (©Lovepanky.com, 2014) - http://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/better-life/how-to-love-yourself

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED #1

A friend challenged me to write a personal contract: No Men For A Year. It's only been a month and already it's been difficult. This is very personal and I'm only sharing it so that other girls, ladies and women can learn from my mistakes in the past and together learn to love ourselves first. I've been contemplating on how I wanted to share my experiences. In my contract I have agreed to journal daily. Instead of sharing the entire months journal, which would only be a long posting, I thought I would just take some highlights. This will also help me to reread what I have written and guide me toward bettering myself. I don't know if I should post most of them or just one or two from the month. I guess it will depend on the response I receive. If you'd like to know more about what I'm journaling, writing prompts, scriptures and more just let me know.

~ HERE WE GO ~

August 24^th, 2014

Writing Prompt (reflective journaling): What is the quality that you like most in a man?

At one point in my life, the honest answer (which I would have never told anyone) would have been that he only had to like me. What is that saying about myself?

“There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.” Proverbs 6:16-19

This scripture helps me to know what to NOT look for in a man. Do not seek a man with haughty eyes. I didn’t know what haughty means so I looked it up. Haughty by definition means arrogantly superior and disdainful. So, not to look for someone that thinks they’re better than everyone else; check. Do not seek a man with a lying tongue. Been there and done that; check. Do not seek a man that his hands have shed innocent blood. Do not seek a man that has a heart that devises wicked plans. Again, been there and done that. Do not seek a man that make hast to run to evil. Do not seek a man that is a false witness, who breathes out lies, and who sows discord among brothers.

One of my past relationships the man I was with did lie and created this entire scheme, that later when I finally found out about it, was devastated. Not only did it affect me, his lies and cheating ways affected friends that were trying to help me along the way. He wanted to give me things; he wanted to give me a matching bedroom set and a new living room set. Nice – right? He accomplished this by going to a renting place, which there is nothing wrong with this. But, when you don’t make the payments, they come and take your furniture. So after we broke up, I literally was left with no furniture. As he so generously had given my old furniture away (which were hand-me-downs, which had more meaning to me).

Also, in this relationship he didn’t have a vehicle. He would borrow mine. It started that he would run errands for me, since I had to stay home with my special needs son. I couldn’t just pack my son up to run to the store if he needed a prescription. Then, it evolved into letting him run his own errands. When I asked him to have the oil checked, he said that he had. When my engine blew (because he hadn’t had the oil changed, which I didn’t think was a huge thing to ask since he would use the van for his own needs) I had a co-worker that was generous enough to lend her car to me. When he had an accident with her car, he told us that he would have it fixed. He took it to a place he wanted to and worked out a payment plan to have the car fixed. After some time, when there wasn’t any progress with the repairs, I called and found out he wasn’t or hadn’t made any payments and they were actually trying to get a hold of him to tell him he either needed to come pick up the car or they were going to have it towed. We were devastated. Once I confronted him about this it was all downhill from there. I can honestly say it was one of the worst relationships I have ever experienced. The first being my ex husbands betrayal.

“Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers” Psalm 1:1

What this tells me is to seek a man who has some integrity. Integrity by definition is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. 

What attributes and characteristics are on your list?