Thursday, August 6, 2015


April - In Like A Lion, Out Like A Lamb

With spring comes the renewal of hope and it seems like love is all around, the birds are nesting, couples are coupling, and I'm over here in the corner puking!!
No, seriously though, it seemed like this spring was a little bit of a hill for me to get over. Insomnia had set-in again and my mind was riddled with thoughts of past relationships, wrong-doings, and beating myself up with the reasons why I was so unlovable. Again, I was falling back into my delusional thought patterns. I needed to keep myself busy. So, I finished my second book - like it's that easy! I went through the editing process, again, and again... and again... then we had to figure out the cover and all the little goodies. It kept my mind busy on other things other than being self absorbed, which is exactly what I needed. Keeping busy was a crucial key for me. After the book launch was over, I went directly into the third book, and was advised to take a small break... self-publishing is a lot of dedication and hard work, not that other jobs aren't too. Let's just say it's a well deserved break! However, with a break also came more time for my mind to go crazy again. Finding different things to keep me busy is easy in this day and age. There was Netflix, going out with friends (when I had funds), and taking care of my two adorable nieces. It's a wonderful lesson in life to learn to count your blessings instead of worrying about everything else. I also downloaded this great Bible app that has daily devotionals, which I read before going to bed, and I actually sleep!

So I realized one of my delusional thoughts has been thinking about "why I'm so unlovable" and it's not that no one wants me, it's just as the picture states above "Being single doesn't mean no one wants you it just means that God is buys writing your love story." I've decided to stop asking God for this sort of man or that kind of character, etc. Instead, I want God to take the wheel this time. Like I've mentioned before, I'm not going to be the aggressor (I'm not going to make contact, he will have to pursue me). This has to be on His terms, in His time, and I know when He sends me this person, it'll be just right. But, I'm also at the point in my life where I'm pretty happy being single. I have no real commitments, I don't have to compromise, I have my bed all to myself - and there are plenty of times I breathe that sweetness in and stretch my whole body across the bed and love it! I read a devotional recently where I felt that God is giving me this rest period, because of my past, and this is my time to rest and learn how to enjoy life again, while also learning to love myself.