There are many aspects of my life that people are always asking me about. Believe it or not, I have been through a lot. I am sure there are many that have experienced much more than I have. Through my pain I have gained knowledge and willingly share my testimony.
This is something that truly tears my heart apart. Not only because it is very personal to me, but because so many woman and children are affected. And I know it isn't just Deadbeat Dad's, that there are Deadbeat Mom's too. Either way, I am only going to write about my experience here. I can't and will not speak for anyone else besides my son and myself. But, feel free to add your perspective below - I am interested in hearing what you have to say.
Ten years ago I married the person I had thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He was someone I had known since childhood, and didn't think that such a betrayal would ever enter into our lives. Especially since we had experienced so much trauma in our early relationship. Naive as I may have been, I had the fairytale disease, where I thought love could conquer all.
To lay it out on the line, basically we got married because I was pregnant. We had been living together (house sitting), when we found out we were expecting, I didn't want to move back home preggers, and his stipulation was that he didn't want to live together unless we were married. Unromantic as it was, it's life.
Three months later and nearly two months early, my water broke. Our son was extracted a week later. The birth was very traumatic, and it wasn't over yet. Our son would undergo numerous surgeries in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). I was fighting for my life as well, having contracted Necrotizing Fascitis I was given a 50/50 chance of survival (rather, the doctor's gave my family the states - they talked through me if you know what I mean).
Statistically, marriages with special needs children are at high risk of divorce. There is not enough help, and there is too much strain on the relationship. However, what broke my marriage to my son's father was his infidelity. He wanted out of the marriage and took the cowardly approach. We separated before our seventh or eighth anniversary. Don't feel bad for him though, he remarried (the same month we were divorced) and he now has 'the perfect family' that he wanted. I guess you could say he's living his 'happily ever after'.
"a father who willfully defaults on his obligation
to provide financial support for his offspring."
Keyword = willfully defaults. If you are a spiritual person, you can understand the ethics behind this statement and how it relates to sin in the Bible. To know what is right from wrong, but then willfully and purposefully do wrong, is a disgrace to the person that should know better and chooses to continue their sinful ways. According to scripture, you should enjoy your life now, because you might not have much to look forward too after you perish from this earth (if you know what I mean). Someone once told me, in a more harsh term "it's o.k., let them (cheaters) enjoy their life now, once they die they have to answer to God". Which, is a time to fear God, in the Bible he compares liars to murderers. You entered into a covenant with the LORD, when you took your marriage vows. You not only cheated on your wife, you hurt Him as well. And, as if this wasn't bad enough, the ignorance and shame continues when they do not live up to their obligations.
If only there was an official authoritative person that would issue "deadbeat dickhead" citations...
During our separation and divorce, there were many hoops and hurdles, but finally a year and a half later, we were divorced. In the decree it was agreed upon that (my now EX-husband) he was to pay child support in the form of continuing to make the mortgage payments. There was a term and stipulations. Such as, if I was unable to take over the payments by a certain date, then the house would be listed and sold. Until this date, my ex-husband was to pay the mortgage as child support and alimony.
Through his bad choices, he was forced to retire, leaving him without a job for a number of months.
During this time, he was unable to pay the mortgage payments... he stopped paying the mortgage (a.k.a child support) and never paid a penny more, even when he did acquire a source of income. This was a year ago now. Tonight, after trying to discuss options, I was told that "they (him and his 'new' family) were going to bed" and if I wanted to talk about this I would have to contact him after 5 and before 9.
What started the open dialog this evening was, that I inquired if upon the start of school for our son, if we could return to week-on/week-off schedules, since right now I am technically the primary physical custodial parent (since my son is with me for at least 80% of his time during the month).
Having a special needs child with severe disabilities is not easy, you have to make a lot of difficult choices. At one time we were considering placing our son in an assistant living facility. However, until he meets their age requirements, the only option for my son is to go and live with someone else, in a strange house. It would also require that we, as his parent's sign him over to the state. Which will never happen as long as I have breath entering and exiting my lungs. To even contemplate this concept is sickening and I become physically sick and overwhelmed.
Now, since he has not been making the home mortgage payments, as he was suppose to do, the house in in foreclosure. My stress levels are all jacked up, I can't uproot my son again - he had an excellent year and he needs his home, this home, for stability. As I couldn't live with knowing that my son was living in some strangers home, it will tear me apart from the inside out, if we have to uproot yet again. I am working with a Home Partnership program, in a hail-Mary attempt to keep our home. This is my son's home, with his disabilities (he is legally blind and deaf) having the regularity, the routines, helps him to better appreciate and get-around in the world.
As much as the financial neglect is upsetting, what is more upsetting is his willfuldefault. One of my favorite songs, by Evanescence is about how you saw this person you loved with resonating light and after you learned who they really are, the light fades and the darkness consumes. This song has more lyrics that are more truthful to the situation:
So, Now What?
This is when you have to pull up your big girl panties and go to war. Nothing in life is free, and no one is going to do it for you. So, what I had to do was to contact Child Enforcement Services, I had explain to them the down'lo. They sent me a stack of papers that I had to read through and fill out. Where I am in the process, they need a copy of my divorce decree for further investigation and for their records.
Before I had sent the papers in, I contacted my son's father and made sure that this was the avenue that was before us, if he continued to willfully default from his obligations. He agreed to the legal process, even after I explained to him that he possibly could face jail time. So, I submitted the paperwork. I just have to get the copy of the divorce in, and then hopefully this matter will be resolved.
From here, as long as everything is in order, we will start receiving child support payments and they will be garnished from his wadges.
I have never proclaimed that my son's father was anything less than caring of our son. He is a master of his super power. I didn't want to think about this for a long time, but it was pointed out to me that his form of manipulation, he doesn't want anyone to think any less of him. This drives him to 'put on a good show'. While he might do this while our son is in his care, I have to believe that he is a good father. If I had any doubt, then I would not be so calm while he was with his biological father.
Recently in the news Mrs. Deen has been nearly crucified for her statement how she had used a racial slur over 30 years ago. While Mr. Foxx jokes about his racial comment he made about a movie he was in Django Unchained (2012). Paula was released from the Food Network for being honest, where Jamie had no repercussions for his statements and states "people need to stop trippin'
How can we as a society persecute prejudice if there are double standards?
Basically we are teaching our children and future generations that if you are 'white' and prejudice you could loose your job and much more. If you are 'black' and prejudice, it is no big deal, heck - basically it is socially acceptable. How can we tolerate this? There are prejudices everywhere - we are raised to judge and we are judged all the time. While I believe racial slurs should not be tolerated, everyone makes mistakes. It's a shame, to me, that someone has worked so hard in their career, and something like this becomes like a raging fire that erases all the good. Why do we as a society focus so much on the negativity?
Furthermore, Foxx claims he is a comedian and it was a 'joke' about how he 'gets to kill all the white people". Do you really think that if Deen claims her statement was a 'joke' that it would blow over like Foxx's actions?
From the author of middle grades spine-chilling horror series The Templar Chronicles comes a supernatural thriller for his adult fans
"Gunhus delivers a taut supernatural thriller...all the chops of an action-packed horror tale." - Kirkus Reviews
Emotionally scarred from a car accident in which a little girl was killed, Jack Tremont moves his family from Southern California to Prescott City in the quiet mountains of Western Maryland. At first, the small town appears to be the perfect place to reconnect with his family and to cure his troubled conscience, but Jack soon discovers he has left one nightmare only to walk into another. When a stranger who has been struck by lightning dies in Jack's arms, a child's voice comes from the man's smoldering body to issue a warning:
They're coming for your little girl, Jack. . . you better run. Take your family and run.
The warning turns prophetic when a local cult targets Jack's five year-old daughter Sarah and Jack finds himself in a fight against dark, supernatural forces that he cannot begin to understand. With the help of a mysterious Native American, Jack uncovers more than just a conspiracy that extends into the small community, but an ancient mystery larger than anything he could have imagined. Suddenly, he's not only fighting for his family, but also to stop a devastating evil from escaping into the world. Above all, he must rush against the clock to save his little girl.
Enter the giveaway for a $25 Amazon gift card & Signed Paperback
A GWR Publicity event paid for by the author. Giveaway is sponsored by the author. Girl Who Reads is an Amazon advertising affiliate; a small fee is earned when purchases are made at Amazon through the above link.
If you are interested in marketing your blog to a wider population, I would recommend joining the hosting team of Girl Who Reads. Click on the link below and it will take you where you need to go to get started! There are some really great opportunities - too good to pass up. Check it out ~ Girl Who Reads: Bloggers Wanted: Below are current opportunities for bloggers. Join the GWR Publicity mailing list to be among the first to know about new tours, book bla...
I think that this hop could be fun on different levels. It will sort-of be like seven degrees of sepatration. You write about a favorite movies of yours, visit another site in the hop and comment on their choice, then choose an actress or actor from their movie and write about another movie that they are in... easy enough - right? Join the hop! Visit the site here: Wait Watch Wonder: Our Favorite Movies Bloghop: I have this idea for a bloghop. I have a love for movies so what better way to get a bloghop rolling then sharing our favorite movies. Blog...
Having a son with special needs, he requires 24/7 care. Through his insurance he is allotted 8 hours of nursing a night. The reason he has to have someone monitoring him around the clock is because he has a trach (tracheotomy) to help him breathe and a J-tube (jejunum) for his formula feeding. Kaleb can have nothing by mouth. We let him have a very tiny taste once in a blue moon, like a little (tiny) bit of icing from his birthday cake. We have to be careful because he has micro aspirations. This is due to his tracheotomy, there is a flap that covers our esophagus so that when we swallow the fluids do not go down our bronchial tube to our lungs. Kaleb's flap does not close enough and small secretions can escape, going to his lungs and could cause further complications.
Because Kaleb requires 24/7 care, we have to have a nurse come into our home for Kaleb. This was very awkward in the beginning, trying to relax and go to bed was nearly impossible when a stranger is watching your medically fragile son. It gets better once you get to know the nurse and build trust. However, I have learned (the hard way) you should keep a professional relationship because, unfortunately, people can take advantage of your trust.
So, when a nurse is unable to fulfill their shift, usually there is no coverage. So then, it is up to me to stay up and take care of Kaleb. This can be more challenging and difficult when multiple nights are required and you have responsibilities during the day that will not permit you to rest. I heard once that interrogators will keep their prisoners awake, and after experience going days without adequate sleep, I can totally see how extreme sleep deprivation can be torturous.
On a positive note - Kaleb went to school today so I was able to get a couple hours of good sound sleep. It is both important for our mental and physical health. Lack of appropriate rest can result in various health concerns that can be very serious. I know when I do not have enough sleep it affects me physically by my symptoms of nauseousness and dizziness and mentally with irritation and depression. As caregivers it is crucial that we take care of ourselves.
Aberration Blog Hop:Finding The Most Aberrant Characters
By definition aberrant means the departing of an accepted standard, or the diverging from the normal type (Google search, 2013). Author, Lisa Regan, in celebration of the release of her second novel, Aberration, is hosting the blog hop, which runs through June 6th and 7th. In Aberration, FBI profiler, Kassidy Bishop is on the hunt for a serial killer who is an aberration - a freak - even among serial killers. In lieu of Regan's new novel, the Aberration Bog Hop is to highlight characters that, like the serial killer her main protagonist is searching for, might be labeled as 'different'.
Top 5 Aberrant Characters - Extracting the Extraordinary
3.) Captain America (2011) - Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), his personality shines as a pipsqueak who has the personality of a hero, it is when his body is given the chance to catch up with his personality that makes him extraordinary. Captain America: The First Avenger on IMDb.com
As a writer, almost like a 'bonus' character I would like to introduce you to Xylo. Xylo is an aberrant character within my first book, Going off Dreams (K.E.Nowinsky). She was not always different, but because of her choices in life, she has been transformed into a woodland dryad that is cursed with her indiscretions. To read more about the Woodland Dryad General, Xylo - read Going off Dreams.
For me, it is such a vicious cycle, especially now because I am not on any medications. I am on a new insurance and have to consult with a new doctor before I can continue taking the medications (that I need). In one hand, I am not in nearly as much pain when I am on the Gabapentin. Yet, the medication make me tired - actually most of the medications I should be on right now make me tired. I have more energy without the medicine, yet the pain levels knock me down. I haven't been sleeping well either. It is really hard for me to get comfortable enough in a position long enough to fall asleep. Even if I am exhausted, because of the massive nerve damage, my nerve endings feel like pins and needles sporadically. The other reason I particularly don't want to go to the doctor's right now, because I have to explain everything all over again. I have to talk about what happened and the pain and suffering. need to go, the pain is starting to get too unbearable. I also know my mother might have a nervous break-down trying to get me to go. I know shes worried - she doesn't want the pain to affect my mental health either.
It is like reliving it and most of the time it opens the door for the trauma to seep it's way back into my subconscious. Then the nightmares start back up and it seems like things bother me more than normal (PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder). I know I
Something else that I have noticed since I have not been on medicine for the past couple weeks - years ago I was in a bad accident and as a result was diagnosed with two pinched nerves and a herniated disc. The two pinched nerves are my sciatica, especially my right side (also the side of were my scar reaches around). My pinched nerves only had bothered me the last few years once in a blue moon. Now, for the last week and a half, it has been giving me problems. Usually, I can walk it off (go for a walk). Yet, I can't walk far or long until my scar (abdomen) start hurting. I really am looking forward to a day that can be pain free!!
I once heard a saying "life is pain" and I understand there is pain in life. I use to have a high endurance for pain, I still do to a degree. It is the constant, uncomfortable pain that wears you down, and when the sharp pain happens, it seems to be worse. The constant pain is like a muscle seizing up, cramping, unrelentingly uncomfortable. The sharp pain varies, it can feel like skin ripping at times. Sometimes it feels like a sharp cold burn. Other times it feels like someone is stabbing me and takes my breath away. Unfortunately, even with the medications - the only thing that seems to help is to put my feet up and rest. But then, the mental battle begins. I don't want to be perceived as 'lazy' - especially since my ex husband said this was the reason he cheated on our marriage (which I know is a total excuse for his disgusting behavior). When people don't understand your daily challenges, it is really easy for them to think otherwise. This is why I love the Spoon Theory! The Spoon Theory
Do you struggle with daily chronic pain? What are some tips or suggestions you could share?