Thursday, January 16, 2014

Reflections Past and Future

This saying has a deeper meaning. I may not be where I was, I may not be the person I use to be, but thank God I'm moving forward. Looking back on the past decade of my life I can't help but to spiral into a deep depression. I wouldn't want anyone to walk in my shoes or to have experienced what I have. Just understand that the sanity that I hold onto every day is because of my faith in the almighty God. I'm not to question His plans, but I am to trust in Him. I do that with every breath that I take. He understands the battle that rages inside with flesh and sin. This is why Jesus died, his blood washes us clean. Not a very cleanly image - but a pure one nonetheless.

The Past

You can read in the past posts of some of the tribulations that I have lived through. First it was a traumatic child birth, then it was living through hell with Necrotizing Fasciitis, living with daily chronic pain since then, dealing with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) every day, being a primary care giver to a special needs son, nearly loosing my child, starting over and caring for a severely handicapped child, my husband leaving me, divorce, going back to college, being hospitalized numerous times, loosing my vehicle, loosing my home, and then the deepest sorrow of loosing my son. I have battled with depression since I was 14, not being correctly diagnosed until I was 35 as mood disorder. They heavily medicated me and I was able to get through. The amazing thing about the human spirit is our ability to persevere. However, loosing my son has been the hardest thing to 'get back up' again. This poem by an unknown author says it all:

The Future

So, what now? I have been working through this time, taking time to mourn for my son and through everything else as well. I use to think it was something redundant to create this New Year's Resolution, because most people forget about it or in some form end up letting themselves down; only to proclaim the same resolution the following year. But, this year my resolution is to find happiness. When I was in therapy I was told that I needed to love my inner child. So, I am going to research this. It seemed insane to me when I was first learning of this concept. I was not longer a child, how in the world was I suppose to do this. In counseling they helped me to understand what some would call my sacrificial personality; how I put others before myself. But, now is a time that I have to take for myself. I have sacrificed so much in my life, now it is my time to find happiness.

... And Beyond

So, how do we persevere? The thing with depression is that it can be debilitating. You might not want to get out of bed, your body could be pained, you might not want to participate in life, and many more symptoms. Validate your symptoms, understand that depression affects everyone differently and don't be scared or think any less of getting professional help. But, something that can help you, is to continue to live life. Right now this is a battle for me. I have a hard time engaging in life. Not only the mental anguish and pain, but the physical pain ensnares me within the depths of the darkness. It might be easier said then done, but I can contest that even just going outside for a walk can produce the chemicals in the brain that will promote those happy feelings and helps you to get out of any funk you might be going through. You are not alone, the CDC (Center for Disease and Control) projects "an estimated 1 in 10 U.S. adult(s) report depression" (

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