September is the second month for my NO MEN FOR A YEAR challenge. This is very personal and I'm only sharing my opinions, beliefs, and experiences so that other girls, ladies, and women can learn from my mistakes in the past and together learn to love ourselves first. Part of my contract is that I journal every day and in doing so, I use writing prompts and so forth to help me to better understand my mistakes and to learn from them instead of repeat them. Let me know what you think or if you have experienced a similar situation, sharing is caring! I'd love to hear your testimonies as well, we can all learn from each other.
September 4th, 2014
Writing Prompt: Be Determined and Believe in Yourself
“Remember that old adage, ‘every long journey starts with a single
step’. You may be depressed or unhappy being the person that you are. But if
you are truly determined, you can change every single thing you hate about
yourself from today itself. If you really want to know how to love yourself, be
determined and focus on starting to make little positive changes every day. It
could be issues related to your work, health, or even your own personal dreams.
Whatever they may be, be determined and pursue them with all your heart. By
doing this, you’ll respect and love yourself a lot more.” (©Lovepanky.com,
2014)
This has been an exceptionally hard year. After losing so much,
break-ups and the loss of my son, I needed time to heal before I could even
contemplate working on the future. It’s nearly been a year since my son has
passed and I know at some point I have to emerge from under this dark rock and
move forward; I’m the only one that can do this for myself. I think this is a
great realization; in the past I have always done things for everyone else, not
taking me into consideration. I stopped smoking for my son, I lost weight to
gain a relationship, I buried my pain in order to have a job etc. Now is the
time to begin a healthy change. I can only do this for myself.
After my son passed, as much as I have craved to start smoking
again at times, I have been able to push past those desires. Now, I need to use
this determination and focus in other aspects of my life. I think next month I
will work on starting a healthy weight loss program. I have been working on my
writing and setting goals for the year. I also know a crucial part of getting
back on my feet is obtaining a job. I think I’ve made great progress in this
aspect of my life. Previously I would have sought a job with my past employers.
I think this would have been a step backward. In that field, while I do feel
accomplished and utilizing gifts, you are way underpaid. This will feed the
beast of negativity, by accepting this I am telling myself that I am not worth
being paid more money.
So, I’m changing course (plus, my friend stated that if I went
back into the special education field she would beat me, she knows I’m worth
more), I am seeking a new career all together. It is taking me longer to gain
employment this way, plus because of my physical restraints currently. The goal
is also to gain heath insurance and benefits so that I can also take care of
myself physically, which will also help mentally and overall.
September 5th, 2014
Writing Prompt: Focus on Your Appearance and Posture
“Appearances may be shallow but, unfortunately it’s the
shallow things like clothes, money and weight issues that make us feel worse
and hate ourselves even though we may possess a lot of good stuff that’s hidden
from the view of others. Spend time to understand your physique and pick clothes
up that look good on you. Get a great haircut, buy well fitting clothes and
dress like a million bucks. You won’t believe how much of a positive boost just
good clothes and a great posture can give anyone. After all, when you look good
and are complimented by someone else, you’d feel a lot better about yourself,
would you?” (©Lovepanky.com, 2014)
I’ve never been one to take compliments well. Growing up I
cringed and even today I still have a hard time accepting them; I have learned
to say “thank you” and then pray that they start talking about something else.
Why? I don’t want the spotlight on me because to myself I am not worth the
spotlight. Ever since I was young I’ve never thought of myself as beautiful or
worthy of such praises. Rather, I feared others reactions because when I was
growing up if you were heavier you were considered ugly and unwanted. Now that
I am 37 I look back at pictures when I was 24, when I did receive compliments
on my beauty, and realize that I was beautiful. This depresses me though,
because I feel that I can never reclaim that younger beauty, I’m not that same
person.
As well, growing up I was astutely aware of the dangers of
some compliments. Meaning, that not all compliments were made in truth, girls
can be catty, vindictive and plain mean. Someone might compliment you and then
turn around and say something negative. This is why I don’t particularly light
going out anymore either. To me it is something I’ve endured in the past and
don’t care to suffer through anymore. Going out has always been considered a
time for you to put yourself out there and hope to get some attentions from
prospects. I’ve watched those around me get the attentions but, not myself.
This only feeds into a depression and fuels the delusional thought patterns of
not being worth the praise or attentions.
I do agree with the writing prompt that we should look our
best and this will help our perception. I know I can further pursue this goal
once I obtain a job. Those are some of the first things on my list: get my hair
done, manicure and pedicure, get new shoes, new clothes etc. This way I can
feel better about myself.
September 6th, 2014
Writing Prompt: Don’t be too critical of yourself
“Learning to love yourself takes time and initiative. It’s a
wonderful feeling to look good, be admired by everyone around you and loved by
everyone including yourself. But it does take time. Never be too critical of
yourself and expect immediate changes. Give yourself some time, and wait for
the good times to roll in. We can assure you that just following these simple
tips on how to love yourself can change your life. Just trust these tips and
allow the tree of love and confidence to take root and grow into a wonderful
beauty, without being critical of the progress.” (©Lovepanky.com, 2014)
As women I think we are programmed to be
too critical on ourselves. We compare ourselves to models in magazines, we
compare our love lives to those in movies, and we compare ourselves to what we
think we should be. What I’ve learned is that comparing yourself to someone
else is a ridiculous perspective. We are each unique and different, what would
work for one individual, might not work for someone else. When looking through
magazines don’t compare yourself to the photoshop models (who have confessed
that they don’t even look that good in person) and don’t compare yourself to
anyone else. Each of us have experienced an entirely different life, as each of
us have completely unique features and characteristics that make us who we are.
I’ve often wondered what it would have
been like to have gone through life as an attractive, thin woman. Would I have
acquired the romance and love like in the movies? Even movies are fake! Do men
even possess such abilities as actually caring for a woman? My delusional
thoughts recently have made me ponder this. Would I still be married, would I
have experienced a compatible relationship with someone who actually cared
about me, if I had been physically
altered?
I still battle myself when watching
movies, my heart aches when I see the connection and romance between two
people. It might be a defense mechanism but, I tell myself that this is not
reality and it is certainly never going to happen for me because I am not that
actress, I am not thin nor beautiful; so those things I could never have and
will never have. Which, when I tell myself this, I am dosing myself with a
lethal amount of poison; I’m terrified of trying to give myself any shred of hope
just to be let down again.
September 7th, 2014
Writing Prompt: Never be a pushover
“You can listen to someone else but, never let them dominate
you or control your thoughts. Every time you let someone push you over, your
confidence takes a beating and you end up hating yourself. If your friends take
you for granted or treat you like you’re not important, perhaps it’s time you
stopped spending so much time with them. Spend time with people who respect you
and want your company, and your ego and the love for yourself will grow.”
(©Lovepanky.com, 2014)
A good friend once told me that people will treat you the way
that you allow them to. This took a while to sink in and really take hold. Even
afterward I ended up in a manipulative relationship. However, I definitely have
learned from my mistakes and if it’s one thing I detest is a person that
manipulates the goodness of another person. Now, I have no tolerance for such
people and hence no reason for them to be in my life.
Again, growing up I was a huge push over. I never wanted to
upset anyone because I was afraid that it would affect the way that they
perceived and accepted me; I wanted to be accepted. I’ve learned what my
limitations are and that in order to respect myself; I can’t let others have
such control over me. If they don’t like me then so be it, no sweat off my
back.
Being a push over has been repetitive within each of my failed
relationships. In my marriage I thought in order to keep my husband happy, I
needed to give him as much freedom as he needed. This, ended up giving him too
much freedom, to the point he thought he was still a bachelor and he thought he
could sleep with whomever he pleased. Another relationship, I was a push over
letting a man move into my home, get rid of family antique furniture so that he
could replace it with “new” (rented) furniture (that he couldn’t pay for)
leaving me in the end without furniture. Usually in relationships I’m too
focused on making the other person happy and not taking myself into
consideration. Again, I didn’t learn from my previous mistake, as a push over I
let another man move into my home (with the agreement that he could help
financially) and when he didn’t, instead of confronting this issue, I struggled
and tried to do my best; being a complete push over has gotten me nowhere.
Understanding these crucial mistakes, I
now know that IF the day comes when the prospects of a relationship are on the
horizon, not to jump right into things. Not to let someone push their way into
my life. To go at a pace that I am comfortable with, that he must pursue me,
and that I am definitely worth it.
The Holiday's can get complicated when you are single. People ask you where your ex is and you have to kindly inform them of the break-up, or some people have to endure the third-degree tactics of people grilling them about why they're single. I think at this stage in my life people don't ask or suggest anything to me, not that they ever really use to when I was younger either - I don't really know why that is. However, this Christmas was especially difficult because I was truly alone for the Holiday's. Christmas day I hibernated, I scrolled through endless Facebook feeds of happy families, and endured some Holiday movies. I did make the effort to meet-up with friends and go to family functions and I think it helped me keep what little sanity I have left. Something else that kept swimming around in the vast knowledge-pit of my mind was what a good friend once told me; It's okay to be depressed and to be sad, just don't live there. I'm really trying to make the conscious choice to challenge myself and condition my delusional thought patterns (Cognitive Behavioral Training, CBT) to make better choices, to snap myself out of thoughts that are dangerous to my psyche.
"I want you to be free from anxieties... the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure our undivided devotion to the Lord." 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 ESV
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