DEJA VU BLOGFEST

The Day of the Do Over Link

While the majority of people enjoy the holiday's with their loved ones, parents watching the enjoyment of their children on the anticipated morning, some have a more bleak day ahead of them. Me, I'll be sleeping in, hiding under my covers and wishing the day away. I've seen post after post of friends enjoying decorating for their holiday season, while I haven't decorated at all. I know it's a choice, I could push myself and dig through boxes to find my Christmas decorations. The only obstacle is dealing with items that I can't bring myself to deal with yet. It's been over a year, I thought I would be able to figure out what to do by now; where to put things and how to handle my emotions. The truth is, I'm not. Everyone handles grief differently and there isn't a day that goes by when the thought of my son doesn't take my breath away and the sadness expands with a deep burning sensation within my chest. However, I know I'm not alone. The Holiday's can be difficult for a lot of people. Each day there is a new obstacle, a new challenge, and more emotions I have to try to deal with. Some days are better than other too. The Holiday's seem to increase the hardships to a maximum level. So, in an attempt to try to work through these times, I took to the internet to try to research how to make it through the season and keep what little sanity I have left.

Top Tips to Surviving the Holidays

Honor Them - for those that left us too soon, find a way that you can honor them. Many people believe that those that have passed know how we honor them here in the present and they enjoy it. We decorate my sons grave site; we just went today! My sister made my son an adorable Christmas tree, while my parents bought him items too, and we went together to honor him and make him a part of our life. While other parents are buying their children toys and other goodies, I bought my son items for his grave site. I'm starting to understand though, it's still an action; whether buying him a gift he could have enjoyed in his physical form, or enjoy in his spiritual state, either way I made the effort, and it did feel good to be doing something for him. While last year my sister honored my son, her nephew's passing by having a star named after him, and for Christmas she gave remembrance items, as well as did my parents and sister have presents from my son; which was hard but, I cherish them for their thoughts and efforts.

Daily Reminders - through sites such as Grief Share, you can sign up for daily e-mails to help you through the tougher times. Another great suggestion through Grief Share (Reasons) is to focus on the reason for the season (in my case, I celebrate Christmas, so it's all about Christ). So, this season I am going to focus on the reason for the season. Where the article is about how Jesus "came to end all suffering" although, as a person suffering, this isn't that comforting; it's actually more upsetting to think there is still so much suffering left int he world. However, "The thief comes only to steal, and kill, and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly" John 10:10. What this says to me is that we need to find our happy; find something each day to laugh and to be thankful for - God wants us to be happy.

Get Help - something I have a hard time with is asking for help. Through AARP (American Association of Retired Persons), they suggest leaning on your friends and family. Talk with them about what you are going through and have someone, a "buddy" to go with you places that can help you through. However, it has been my experience that after your loved one passes (and maybe it's just because it was my son, and a child's death is difficult for anyone to talk about) but, people just don't seem to talk about it. Maybe partially because they don't want to upset me or maybe because they don't want to be upset themselves. Then again, many people (myself included) aren't well equipped to comfort those that are suffering inside. But, I can't tell you how elated I feel inside when someone does say my son's name or talks about them. So, don't be afraid to talk about the deceased. What doesn't help, when I'm feeling low, is the comment "he wouldn't have wanted you to be sad" or something along those lines. He's not here. Instead, try bringing up happy holiday memories that involve the deceased, or suggest how you could honor their memories instead. Believe me, the person grieving is going through a hard enough time, they don't need to be scolded.

Self-Love - forgive yourself and give yourself the time and energies to deal with your feelings. Another thing I have to work on. First, I never knew learning to love myself was going to be so difficult. Second, that I have a hard time dealing with my feelings. I let them well-up until I just burst and can't hold it in anymore. I shared a post I read the other day that stated "I'm exhausted from being stronger than I am" (or something like that). On the Hand to Hold site they suggest to "Be Generous with Others [and] Yourself". Share your talents and share with others because it makes us feel good (basically). "Expect that you will feel sad sometimes. Or angry. Or alone. These are all appropriate feelings and are an acknowledgement of the intense love you hold for your child" or your loved one that has passed.

Thorn Pathways

When looking up the scriptures in the Godvine fictional story titled Thanksgiving Thorns, I came across Suffering is a great grace... quote from St. Faustina. Remember the pain that you feel is a direct result of how deeply your love for the deceased. In Thanksgiving Thorns, it is about a flower shop associate and her faith in God and how we should be thankful for the thorns in our life. I didn't particularly care for the story, however I can appreciate the message. Even though we are deeply suffering, we shouldn't forget that He is still here for us. It seems like He's not, which I have felt but, suffering means so much more than what we are experiencing. God understand how mad we are at Him, yet He still remains. When I read scripture about how He knows all our days before we are even born and has given us what we need for this life, sometimes I feel harsh against this, as if I'm being punished. However, as my mother explained to me years ago that it's not a punishment at all. That He thinks so highly of us that He has given us the hardest of situations (Thanks!); it's about perspective. It seems absurd to say that any death is for our benefit but, as St. Faustina suggests through our suffering are still gifts we need to be thankful for.

So, now what? Well, find some funny videos on YouTube, laughing helps our brains in more beneficial ways. I read once how it's okay to visit being depressed and sad, just don't live there. Help yourself claw out of the darkness with the light of laughter. The next step is up to you! I know this year I haven't decorated at all because it's so upsetting, it would mean having to go through my sons items that I have in the same area that I haven't wanted to deal with yet. I've been contemplating on recruiting someone to help me with this, I know this would help me but, everyone's so busy. I need to just get-to-it, if it gets too hard then I can grab the box of tissues and work through those feelings too. I know it's much easier said than done though, so I'll continue to just take one day at a time.

How do you honor your deceased loved ones during the Holidays?

Comment with your tips and suggestions!

Shop Amazon 12 Days of Deals

Links

AARP - Dealing With Grief During the Holidays Season

Godvine - Woman Who Lost Everything Learns to be Thankful for Life's Thorns

Grief Share - Surviving the Holidays

Hand to Hold - Six Tips to Cope with Grief During the Holidays

Huff Post Women - 6 Steps to Survive the Holidays

Grief and the Holidays

While the majority of people enjoy the holiday's with their loved ones, parents watching the enjoyment of their children on the anticipated morning, some have a more bleak day ahead of them. Me, I'll be sleeping in, hiding under my covers and wishing the day away. I've seen post after post of friends enjoying decorating for their holiday season, while I haven't decorated at all. I know it's a choice, I could push myself and dig through boxes to find my Christmas decorations. The only obstacle is dealing with items that I can't bring myself to deal with yet. It's been over a year, I thought I would be able to figure out what to do by now; where to put things and how to handle my emotions. The truth is, I'm not. Everyone handles grief differently and there isn't a day that goes by when the thought of my son doesn't take my breath away and the sadness expands with a deep burning sensation within my chest. However, I know I'm not alone. The Holiday's can be difficult for a lot of people. Each day there is a new obstacle, a new challenge, and more emotions I have to try to deal with. Some days are better than other too. The Holiday's seem to increase the hardships to a maximum level. So, in an attempt to try to work through these times, I took to the internet to try to research how to make it through the season and keep what little sanity I have left.

Top Tips to Surviving the Holidays

Honor Them - for those that left us too soon, find a way that you can honor them. Many people believe that those that have passed know how we honor them here in the present and they enjoy it. We decorate my sons grave site; we just went today! My sister made my son an adorable Christmas tree, while my parents bought him items too, and we went together to honor him and make him a part of our life. While other parents are buying their children toys and other goodies, I bought my son items for his grave site. I'm starting to understand though, it's still an action; whether buying him a gift he could have enjoyed in his physical form, or enjoy in his spiritual state, either way I made the effort, and it did feel good to be doing something for him. While last year my sister honored my son, her nephew's passing by having a star named after him, and for Christmas she gave remembrance items, as well as did my parents and sister have presents from my son; which was hard but, I cherish them for their thoughts and efforts.

Daily Reminders - through sites such as Grief Share, you can sign up for daily e-mails to help you through the tougher times. Another great suggestion through Grief Share (Reasons) is to focus on the reason for the season (in my case, I celebrate Christmas, so it's all about Christ). So, this season I am going to focus on the reason for the season. Where the article is about how Jesus "came to end all suffering" although, as a person suffering, this isn't that comforting; it's actually more upsetting to think there is still so much suffering left int he world. However, "The thief comes only to steal, and kill, and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly" John 10:10. What this says to me is that we need to find our happy; find something each day to laugh and to be thankful for - God wants us to be happy.

Get Help - something I have a hard time with is asking for help. Through AARP (American Association of Retired Persons), they suggest leaning on your friends and family. Talk with them about what you are going through and have someone, a "buddy" to go with you places that can help you through. However, it has been my experience that after your loved one passes (and maybe it's just because it was my son, and a child's death is difficult for anyone to talk about) but, people just don't seem to talk about it. Maybe partially because they don't want to upset me or maybe because they don't want to be upset themselves. Then again, many people (myself included) aren't well equipped to comfort those that are suffering inside. But, I can't tell you how elated I feel inside when someone does say my son's name or talks about them. So, don't be afraid to talk about the deceased. What doesn't help, when I'm feeling low, is the comment "he wouldn't have wanted you to be sad" or something along those lines. He's not here. Instead, try bringing up happy holiday memories that involve the deceased, or suggest how you could honor their memories instead. Believe me, the person grieving is going through a hard enough time, they don't need to be scolded.

Self-Love - forgive yourself and give yourself the time and energies to deal with your feelings. Another thing I have to work on. First, I never knew learning to love myself was going to be so difficult. Second, that I have a hard time dealing with my feelings. I let them well-up until I just burst and can't hold it in anymore. I shared a post I read the other day that stated "I'm exhausted from being stronger than I am" (or something like that). On the Hand to Hold site they suggest to "Be Generous with Others [and] Yourself". Share your talents and share with others because it makes us feel good (basically). "Expect that you will feel sad sometimes. Or angry. Or alone. These are all appropriate feelings and are an acknowledgement of the intense love you hold for your child" or your loved one that has passed.

Thorn Pathways

When looking up the scriptures in the Godvine fictional story titled Thanksgiving Thorns, I came across Suffering is a great grace... quote from St. Faustina. Remember the pain that you feel is a direct result of how deeply your love for the deceased. In Thanksgiving Thorns, it is about a flower shop associate and her faith in God and how we should be thankful for the thorns in our life. I didn't particularly care for the story, however I can appreciate the message. Even though we are deeply suffering, we shouldn't forget that He is still here for us. It seems like He's not, which I have felt but, suffering means so much more than what we are experiencing. God understand how mad we are at Him, yet He still remains. When I read scripture about how He knows all our days before we are even born and has given us what we need for this life, sometimes I feel harsh against this, as if I'm being punished. However, as my mother explained to me years ago that it's not a punishment at all. That He thinks so highly of us that He has given us the hardest of situations (Thanks!); it's about perspective. It seems absurd to say that any death is for our benefit but, as St. Faustina suggests through our suffering are still gifts we need to be thankful for.

So, now what? Well, find some funny videos on YouTube, laughing helps our brains in more beneficial ways. I read once how it's okay to visit being depressed and sad, just don't live there. Help yourself claw out of the darkness with the light of laughter. The next step is up to you! I know this year I haven't decorated at all because it's so upsetting, it would mean having to go through my sons items that I have in the same area that I haven't wanted to deal with yet. I've been contemplating on recruiting someone to help me with this, I know this would help me but, everyone's so busy. I need to just get-to-it, if it gets too hard then I can grab the box of tissues and work through those feelings too. I know it's much easier said than done though, so I'll continue to just take one day at a time.

How do you honor your deceased loved ones during the Holidays?

Comment with your tips and suggestions!

Links

AARP - Dealing With Grief During the Holidays Season

Godvine - Woman Who Lost Everything Learns to be Thankful for Life's Thorns

Grief Share - Surviving the Holidays

Hand to Hold - Six Tips to Cope with Grief During the Holidays

Huff Post Women - 6 Steps to Survive the Holidays

MOTHER'S DAY

What Should A Grieving Parent Be Referred As?

Spring 2003

When contemplating Mother's Day this year, it is with a lot of pain and trepidation. It's been seven months since my son passed and just the thought of facing this day (last weekend and all week) has been hard. There are no time constraints or limits for grieving and it hits me sometimes out of nowhere. When I am around others is the most challenging because I never feel that I can show vulnerable emotions, such as crying. Attempting to control the emotions within this grieving can be like swallowing a glass full of nails at times; only leaving me feeling more drained. Either way, I haven't been looking forward to this Sunday. Through out the year there have been challenges, many holidays I managed to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas (thanks to my support around me). My birthday was very challenging, which surprised me. I finally figured out it was because Kaleb has always been with me on my birthdays and I remembered all the times we spent together. And now, this Sunday is Mother's Day, last weekend when this revelation hit, it was like a brick wall collapsed on my chest. Instantly I was upset and just had the mental picture of being at Kaleb's grave site no. This Mother's Day my son is in heaven. He never could verbally say "I love you Mommy", he might not have been able to put his arms around me to give hugs either, but his smiles were confirmation of his love. So this Mother's Day I will remember those smiles.

Summer 2013

telling myself "Happy Mother's Day". I've read various things about how there are no terms for a parent that has lost a child; simply because words cannot begin to form or describe within the spectrum of the loss. Then there is the question of whether or not I would still be considered a mother. This was quickly resolved; yes. I will always be a mother. When worrying about facing this weekend my mother suggested that I should be happy and celebrate my son. However, I have found that most suggestions are easier said than done. The best advice is just to take one day at a time. It's o.k. to say "today's a rough day" and you don't have to explain yourself. I've always been an open book, so if someone asked me something (no matter how personal) I would answer them. I figured I don't have anything to hide. I still would like to consider myself that open-book, however with maturity I know that I have the right to say no.

Mother Mary

Contemplating the day we celebrate mothers, I had a slight epiphany: Which I'm sure it is addressed in sermons, however it is a great distraction for me to consider Jesus' mother and how we should all celebrate the mother of our salvation - right? Today, hearing about a young woman having a child out of wedlock is nothing, but back in Mary's day it was considered a high offense. She had full faith in God that he would see her through what He was bestowing upon her. I like to consider this the soul of the mother (and you don't have to have given 'birth' to be considered a mother). The soul of the mother is that unconditional Godly love, the sacrifice of yourself for another soul. Mary knew she would would be chastised for becoming pregnant out of wedlock (it was a capitol offense). She remained faithful to God and He saw her through it. I often have thought about how she must have suffered as a mother, knowing her son was going to face great opposition; still she remained faithful upon the Lord. How horrid it must have been for her to watch her first born be crucified before her; still she remained faithful upon the Lord. To me, she faced so much and clung to her faith and He was with her. Never doubt the possibilities of a mother!!

G is for Grief

Everyone's Grieving Process is Different

I consider myself blessed that I did not experience a deep loss of death in my family until I was an adult. Growing up I remember being very sad about having to put a cherished family pet to sleep and overall I have always had an understanding about death. But what if you are unclear about death? How could that affect how you view the grieving process? Simple: you question it and the uncertainty could lead to further emotions of anxiety and anger (along with other feelings). I have never questioned my faith or what comes after this life. After the death of my son I find myself questioning everything. After reading about grief, I understand it is part of the grieving process.

Honor the Loss

Before Kaleb had passed I had set up a page where everyone that knows Kaleb or wanted to know what was going on with him could connect. After Kaleb's death it has transformed now into, not only part of my grieving process, but now a beacon of awareness. It's someplace where I can still honor his memory. Number 18 of Good Grief Center's tips for grieving states that working through the grieving process we should "consider reviewing memorabilia, photos, home movies, or videos." Kaleb's page is also a place of healing. Don't forget, it's o.k. and you should talk about your loss. Sometimes I hold so much inside, but I feel better once I talk-it-out and am able to process everything that I had been holding hostage. Also, if you are with someone who has lost a loved one, don't be afraid to talk to them about the individual. I feel like sometimes people might not speak Kaleb's name in fear of upsetting me. It's o.k. - honor their memories by talking about their life and share with one another, you never know...

Take Care of Yourself

Looking back on the past few months there is something that I would have changed. In my grieving process I neglected my physical wellness. I focused too much within my head, as an over-analyzer I often do this. After reading and researching about grief, all of the articles will tell you to take care of yourself. I had a friend who had told me that I should take walks, but I didn't listen (that and we had a hard winter); I do regret letting my health slip. Also, I am an emotional eater... put the two together and it has only complicated the grieving process. Within the Good Grief Center's tips, it also mentioned how "grieving puts a heavy burden of stress on your body" how sleep can be disturbed and lead to other illnesses such as depression, immune deficiencies, and other problems; "grief is not a disease but it can become one." Keep in mind that the process is not a determined amount of time either, grieving can affect you when you least expect it. Just the other day I received something from Kaleb's school teacher in the mail. It was something that was usually sent home on a daily basis when Kaleb was in school letting us know how his day was. It was unexpected and I broke down crying. Grieving does take it's toll; after breaking down I was exhausted. Give yourself time to grieve.

Grief Comes in Different Forms

Another tip that I just read that I might try, is to write a letter to whomever your grieving over. I know when my ex-husband left and I was grieving that loss, I had written a lot out - it helped my brain to process everything that was going on inside of me. You feel relief too because you've gotten it off of your chest. I'm going to do this for Kaleb. Because I wasn't with him when he passed, I feel like there is a missing puzzle piece. I know I am not responsible for his death, as his primary care giver because he was with his father for his allotted visitation, and I was not there - I do feel a sense of uncontrollable loss that I need to address. Then again, when is loosing a loved one controlled? Because I was Kaleb's primary care giver I was his advocate, he required 24/7 care, and we have always been praised for the care and love that we gave to our K-man. So, loosing him so unexpectedly has added to the grieving void.  I'm going to try writing him a letter and when I visit his grave I'll read it aloud.

Stay Healthy - Keep Positive

I think it is crucial that you DO NOT seek an 'escape' - DO NOT abuse alcohol or drugs in trying to mute the pain that you are feeling. I have tried to focus more on my writing during this process. A healthier option would be to cultivate your interests and hobbies, to occupy your mind for a duration of time. Recently I have returned to work. I had once worked at the school that Kaleb had attended, prior to his birth. In considering if I would be able to return there to work, I thought that I should be able to because I had worked there before Kaleb. Being there has been challenging emotionally, but more importantly I found that I feel him more there. It has reminded me how much I enjoy working with challenged children and how valuable I can be to their lives. While Kaleb was here, he not only blessed our lives, but we helped him through his journey here. Now, it's time that I help other children on their journey as well.

Links

Good Grief Center for Bereavement Support - 20 Tips

HelpGuide.org

WebMD Coping with Grief